Kristin

Then...

• Age:11-12 years old
• Location:Houston, Texas

Now...

• Age:36 years old
• Location:Salt Lake City, Utah
• Occupation:Therapist providing crisis services

My Story...

To put it mildly, growing up sucked. I think both my parents were, how shall I put this, um diagnosable. Which means they couldn’t take care of themselves, let alone 5 children. I didn’t have much guidance when it came to things like nutrition, hygiene, social skills, and certainly not fashion. My childhood was incredibly lonely and awkward. I was grossly obese with huge fluffy hair. I had one friend, and I think at times she was even embarrassed to be seen with me. At home my brothers called me poodle head, which almost felt like a term of endearment because when I got to school my classmates called me porker, which was often followed by oinking and pig faces then snickering. I don’t recall adults being concerned or ever intervening. I often wished myself dead.

One memory that really stands out for me was having to go to a gathering where there were a limited number of chairs. No one wanted to sit on either side of me. I was about 9 or 10 at the time. I was feeling really embarrassed, ashamed even and busy internalizing a message that something must be wrong with me when all of a sudden a kind boy named Mike smiled at me then stood up and came and sat down like it was no big deal, and I felt so much relief even love and joy. The moment was short lived though as the teacher began praising him and making a big deal about him sitting next to me as if it was some enormous sacrifice as she reluctantly took the seat to my other side.

Over my life I’ve had a love hate relationship with myself. At times I’ve not been satisfied with the way my body looks and I’ve felt ashamed of who I am. I’m embarrassed to say at times as an adult I have unconsciously sought out situations that have reinforced my belief system that I am less than others, not whole or not worthy of love.

Getting to a place of self acceptance is a long and continuous journey. Part of healing has been reaching the realization that my true self is not my body, and that I have treated myself unkindly rather than being nurturing. Also, I try to replace my negative thoughts with more positive ones and embrace my imperfections rather than hate them. I am grateful to be surrounded by loving and nurturing people. I do my best to invite love and joy and positive people into my life. I try to find the blessings or lessons in even the most messed up situations.

I think in some ways there were even some blessings in being bullied, which is not to say I would ever go back to Elementary or Jr. High School. However, today I see myself as a compassionate person. I care  about other people’s feelings. I never want to hurt anyone or cause pain. In any given situation I will usually root for the underdog, and I feel strongly about social justice.